Money RECIEVED - A penny for my thoughts, to be collected from EACH of you when I see you next.
I'm trying to convince myself that this blog wont be another one of my ADHD-fueled, impulse-ambitions, so today I'm going to do TWO posts. Arent you the lucky one!
Ya know, I'm settled in Switzerland now, I have my own place, a steady job, a girlfriend, and things are starting to look alot more balanced in my life.
But the good feelings cant last forever, and I for one am sick of being content. So here, just for you, are a list of things that are pissing me at this moment.
Number one, SWISS ATTITUDES. Dont get me wrong, I love Switzerland, my girlfriend is Swiss, there is mountains and chocolates and yodelling, but I tell you there is an epidemic here. Arguing. They love to argue. They shout alot, about little things, and it always seems whenever I am having a 'small debate' between either my boss, my girlfriend, the public transportation police, bouncers, they are just so gung-ho to win the argument at any cost, its not even funny. I ask myself, why do they do this? Cant they relax a little bit? Take a lesson from Canada or the Caribbean and not take life so seriously? Then the answer came to me... Switzerland has been a neutral country for hundreds of years, one of the ONLY such countries in the world. For generations, the Swiss have never experienced the bloody, messy, gut-splattering satisfaction of war. They want to, sure. The Swiss nation has a military service which all men must join, or pay a fee. They go out, play war games, do some pretend-shootin' and pretend-killin', and get paid something like $35,000 to do this. At the end of it all, they get to take home a AR-15 Fully Automatic Rifle with live ammunition, which for most people stays dormant in the closet, for others helps bump up the statistics that puts Switzerland at one of the highest rates of suicide in europe, and every few years a guy will go postal on some random people at a bus stop. Great. Where was I going with this? Ah yes, well, I mean its a proven fact that even monkey and baboons are constantly in a state of war, and from the dawn of time man had epic warfare against the dinosaurs, the sea, orcs, warlocks and finally, himself. To do something like claim you are a neutral country simply goes against human nature, and just seeing them now constantly, subconsciously, striving for warfare in any form they can merely reinforces this fact. So there you have it. Swiss people always argue because they are missing out on battle, and well folks, you can take the Swiss out of the war but you cant take the war out of the Swiss. Case closed.
And another thing, has anyone ever been inside a club, and then people just start piling in, and you realize it is just like a massive game of tetris? As more and more people cram in, you need to turn to fit the nooks depending on the size of the person. A girl comes by. no problem, shes just a couple blocks. Dude with a skateboard, gotta nudge yourself past your buddy to make room, hes about 4 blocks. Uh oh, fat dude with a hiking bag, everybody needs to make way to ensure maximum comfort and before you know it, your hip is locked between the bar and a stool being used by a behemoth, and your oxygene supply is depleteing fast. Then you realize, why am I even here? I hate jazz fusion, man. I'm out. Game over.
Man oh man, have you ever watched women grooming themselves in the mirror before? Whats going on there?? Ever seen a woman try to pop a zit? Talk about a joke. When women pop zits, its like theyre trying to coax a sick puppy out of its bed. Slowly slowly, bit by bit, whispering little words of encouragement. I feel embarassed for the little guy when he finally does leave the face, to the super-non-astounding 'pop', and then its over. When I pop a zit, its like a highly trained mercenary force showering a civilian village in machine gun fire before dropping a series of carpet bombs, taking out the schools and hospitals, and then finally the ruthless commando leader whips a concussion grenade into the city square for one final show of fireworks. POW, BANG! It hits the mirror with such force it nearly breaks the the damn thing, ricochets off and just about puts a 3 inch exit wound through the back of your head! Its no mercy for my acne, I always use every muscle in my upper body to destroy the little bastard! I wont stop until I see BLOOD!
Sweeet...
Ok thats all for now folks, take care.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Life Lessons On The Loo
Money Spent - 2$ (for the jukebox)
There I was, using the urinal in a very, very sleezy bar when I notice there is a dude, also using the urinal, looking at me, obviously quite drunk by the way he is squinting. I nod to him. He slurs to me, 'Sind Sie herum Zwanzig Jahre alt?'. I say back to him, 'Sprechen Sie english?' (I will say this around 30 times a day to people who talk to me in Swiss-German, and at this point my prononciation is almost perfect).
'A little bit...' He says, 'Are you 20 years old??'
'Close,' I respond, 'I'm 19.' He looks at me, nodding, gathering his thoughts. He says to me, 'You know Kinder, you need to be careful when you are 19.'
'Careful? Why?'
'Because,' he says 'You live your life and live your life and then maybe one day you wake up and you are 51 living like you are 19.'
'Oh... How old are you?'
'51...' He manages to slur, 'I'm a grandfather.' At this point I'm trying to lighten the guys spirits.
'Hey but you know,' I tell him, 'I cant wait to be a grandfather. I'm really looking forward to it.'
'No no no.... I hate my life... I hate the way I live and the person I am.'
I blink a couple times... 'Uhh, well, yeah but man I mean, when you are a grandfather, its really not about YOUR life anymore, its about the lives of your grandchildren and your children, you know?'
He kinda nods sadly. 'Yeah... I think I could learn alot from you, but Ive just smoked a pack of zigarretten and I am very much drunk, so, goodbye.'
He leaves the bathroom, and I walk back to the table to my friend Saskia, stunned... You know, somehow that really struck home for me, and as me and her were sitting there drinking beer, surrounded by every form of crackhead, junkie and drunk, I'm somehow relieved that every so often one of them can walk up to you and sort of give you what little advice they can, and offer a sort of candid view of what my, your, or anyones life could be if you don't make the right choices.
Wow.. Deep.
And to think by the time he had finished talking I hadnt even finished my piss.
There I was, using the urinal in a very, very sleezy bar when I notice there is a dude, also using the urinal, looking at me, obviously quite drunk by the way he is squinting. I nod to him. He slurs to me, 'Sind Sie herum Zwanzig Jahre alt?'. I say back to him, 'Sprechen Sie english?' (I will say this around 30 times a day to people who talk to me in Swiss-German, and at this point my prononciation is almost perfect).
'A little bit...' He says, 'Are you 20 years old??'
'Close,' I respond, 'I'm 19.' He looks at me, nodding, gathering his thoughts. He says to me, 'You know Kinder, you need to be careful when you are 19.'
'Careful? Why?'
'Because,' he says 'You live your life and live your life and then maybe one day you wake up and you are 51 living like you are 19.'
'Oh... How old are you?'
'51...' He manages to slur, 'I'm a grandfather.' At this point I'm trying to lighten the guys spirits.
'Hey but you know,' I tell him, 'I cant wait to be a grandfather. I'm really looking forward to it.'
'No no no.... I hate my life... I hate the way I live and the person I am.'
I blink a couple times... 'Uhh, well, yeah but man I mean, when you are a grandfather, its really not about YOUR life anymore, its about the lives of your grandchildren and your children, you know?'
He kinda nods sadly. 'Yeah... I think I could learn alot from you, but Ive just smoked a pack of zigarretten and I am very much drunk, so, goodbye.'
He leaves the bathroom, and I walk back to the table to my friend Saskia, stunned... You know, somehow that really struck home for me, and as me and her were sitting there drinking beer, surrounded by every form of crackhead, junkie and drunk, I'm somehow relieved that every so often one of them can walk up to you and sort of give you what little advice they can, and offer a sort of candid view of what my, your, or anyones life could be if you don't make the right choices.
Wow.. Deep.
And to think by the time he had finished talking I hadnt even finished my piss.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
A Truly Dirty Night
Money spent - 10.00
I have this friend named Ben, he is from Tunisia. He's a cool dude, black belt in muay thai, professional salsa dancer, good heart, its all good. But man, this guy thinks with his dick so much its ridickulous - last night for example.
I'll set the scene for you....
It was around 2 in the morning, and I've been trying to tell the guy for the last hour and a half that I need to scoot home, and who knows how he keeps convincing me to come with him. We walk out of Tournhäler (very cool club, made out of an old Gymnasium - top part is a bar, bottom part still has the gym floor and basketball nets and shit, locker rooms are made into the toilets, sweet), and theres this rotund, pretty un-pretty middle aged chick with her knockers practically hanging out of her shirt... MY first reaction was to think she was a prostitute, BENS first reaction, was to walk up and start hitting on her... 'Heeeey Habibi, you so beautiful!' he goes, and starts chatting with her, I just chill back and let him do his thing - he does this about 20 times a night at least. Anyhow, he starts sharing his beer with her (I make sure to drink mine real quick so the saliva doesnt pass my way) and the chick drops it. Ohhhh shes all sorry and oooooohhh she wants to pay us back, Ben goes, oh just buy us a round at this other bar. Scheisse Ben I'm trying to get home!
But whatever, its all good, the night is young.
So we step into this bar, I've never been there before. Its called Aarebär, predominately blue lighting, older crowd, shit music, and fuck its pretty empty for a saturday night... The air is shockingly clean and smoke free, whats going on here? So we have a beer. Ben starts chatting with me about how hes going to totally bed this broad next to him, and he tells me in a mix of english and german, and at this point in the night I rarely understand what he is saying. So I tell him flat out, in french because it is his mother language. 'Yo Ben' I say, 'Je pence le femme est une prostitute, mon ami'. He just laughs, 'Not with me, Jeremy! I fuck all!' (this is his catchphrase, he says it alot.... 'Tonight, Jeremy, we fuck all!' is usually what he says before we go clubbing.)
Ok so now we're nursing our expensive, 9.00 franc beers, and wondering where the hell this hooker got off to, and shes been in the friggin can for 20 mins. I'm getting bored so I try telling Ben that I'm leaving again. 'No no no, Jeremy' he says 'We go downstairs to club, then, we leave together.' ---- Downstairs? I look to the stairs, theres a TOILET sign. Hm. I must have misheard him. So he says, 'Ok, now, we go. We go to the club.' Hmm. We're walking to the stairs marked bathroom. Fuck Ben if you all-of-a-sudden turn gay right now, I'm going to smoke you in the face with my boot, but of course youre a muay-thai blackbelt, so I guess I would have to get the shit kicked out of me before taken advantage of.... Fuck man I just want to go home, I work at 11.30!
So we walk down the stairs, and go into a door marked Private. ---- Well I'll be damned, its a secret fucking strip club! THERES all the people! THERES all the smokey air! And shit look! Strippers! So all was right in the land of Jeremy again, paranoia, kaput, and Ben buys us a round. After around 15 mins, these two blonde eastern european bombshells walk up to us and start chatting, fuck am I attractive or what, I didnt even look at them! Then I say something like, yeah you know I like Switzerland, its ok but maybe not as good as London... She laughs a fake laugh and starts rubbing my chest... Ahhh shes a hooker too! Ben is totally digging his blonde, but I'm in no mood to cheat on my girl tonight, so I try to ignore her...
Now let me tell you a bit of background... When you go into a strip-club in Canada, its good, its fun, the girls are there by choice and half of them are people you know and are just paying for their student loans in a very extroverted fashion. No problems. But when you're in europe, all day on the news, in commercials, its telling about all the women forcibly sold into the sex industry from eastern europe and the middle east, white-slavery which is so very affluent in Europe of course, and just generally depressing things. So here I am, in Switzerland, one of the capitals for this such trade (London, Amsterdam are others), sitting next to a chick with an Eastern European accent who looks like shes trying really hard to earn her money. So I try small talk, the conversation went like this...
(Girl) 'So sexy do you like me?'
(The dude) 'Uhh yeah, you're alright... So um, how long have you been in Switzerland?'
'Hmm, uhh, 7 monat (months)?'
'And do you like it here? Where are you from originally?'
'I am from Ukraine, yes Switzerland, it good. Where are you from?'
'Canada. Yeah I'm pretty rare, ha-ha (I say this to every girl who asks me where I'm from, fuck I'm pathetic)'
'Ohh Canada, do you have working permits'
'Yeah, yeah I do, I'm a bartender. Do you have a working permit, how did you get here?'
'Errr ehh, hmm...' She makes the little zipper motion over her lips and laughs nervously. Great Jerebear youve got a real catch here.
She says, 'So do you want company?'
'Ah well no, Ich haben ein freundin...'
'Well, if we want to talk, I need to ask you to buy me a drink, its my job.'
'Yeah alright, what do you want, Beer?'
'No, no, Champagne. See, champagne is 25.00 a glass, 100.00 a bottle.'
'Uhhh, thats pretty expensive.'
'Noo, its just 25.00 a glass!'
'You dont want a beer or, redbull or something?'
'No just champagne.'
Hmm.... 'Do you only drink champagne?' I ask.
'Yes just champagne.'
And at that, we bid farewell... You know guys, she might have been a slightly worn, slightly rude, pushy, slutty, possibly enslaved slavic prostitute, but I will remember her always.
Then I look at the drink menu... Fuck 25.00 for a champagne... 18.00 for a half pint of beer...? 16.00 for a coke?! Dude what the fuck is going on here?! I try to warn Ben, but he is busy feeling up his blonde. SHE is busy trying to explain to him that he cant squeeze her breasts or her ass, and trying unsuccessfully I may add. Ben looks to me, with that huge dopey Ben grin, he looks on top of the world. I look at the bar in front of them... Shiet. Ben has bought the chick 2 glasses of champagne already, and between tushey squeezes she is trying to convince him to buy another. He does. He tries and tries to get her to leave with him, and for a 36 year old pervert he seems really ignorant to the stripper-customer relationship. After a bit more of Ben and her chatting, she leaves to pole-dance. 'Ben...' I say, 'I really really got to leave... Its 3, I work at 11.30, dude I need to go chat with my buds online and pass out!' Ben gives a sad nod, I think he too realizes its time to leave.
We gather our things, and pay the bill. Ben is dumbstruck, its almost 150 bucks. He doesnt seem upset about it though, he did what he came to do.
Then BAM, two asian girls creep up behind us and start feeling our asses and asking us if we want company, I'll be damned if they werent twice as hardworking as the eastern european girls! You know I bet theres got to be some sort of bad blood between those two factions. I've got no patience for talking to this broad, so I say, 'Im not interested, Ive got no money and a girlfriend, sorry.' She says, 'Gay?' VERDAMMT! 'No, I have a girlfriend.' She laughs 'Gay!' and walks off.
That... that fucking bitch! That fucking asian bitch! Go back to a 1980s blackmarket Hong Kong film, you goddamn stereotype! Schlampe!
I look to Ben, hes not going anywhere, hes totally immersed with this asian girl now. I say alright man, I need to go, I'm cereal. He understands and goes to shake my hand.... through the legs of this oriental woman. Ahahaha, Ben, du bist eine crasse mann... you know through it all I can never be pissed at this dude, hes harmless, just wants the ladies, through and through.
So I bounce, scoot home on my kickboard, and arrive at home, my body sweaty, and my mind feeling quite dirtied by the entire night.
So there it is. Now I need to go to work, I feel like shit, but whatevers.
Enough typing.
-The Jerebear
I have this friend named Ben, he is from Tunisia. He's a cool dude, black belt in muay thai, professional salsa dancer, good heart, its all good. But man, this guy thinks with his dick so much its ridickulous - last night for example.
I'll set the scene for you....
It was around 2 in the morning, and I've been trying to tell the guy for the last hour and a half that I need to scoot home, and who knows how he keeps convincing me to come with him. We walk out of Tournhäler (very cool club, made out of an old Gymnasium - top part is a bar, bottom part still has the gym floor and basketball nets and shit, locker rooms are made into the toilets, sweet), and theres this rotund, pretty un-pretty middle aged chick with her knockers practically hanging out of her shirt... MY first reaction was to think she was a prostitute, BENS first reaction, was to walk up and start hitting on her... 'Heeeey Habibi, you so beautiful!' he goes, and starts chatting with her, I just chill back and let him do his thing - he does this about 20 times a night at least. Anyhow, he starts sharing his beer with her (I make sure to drink mine real quick so the saliva doesnt pass my way) and the chick drops it. Ohhhh shes all sorry and oooooohhh she wants to pay us back, Ben goes, oh just buy us a round at this other bar. Scheisse Ben I'm trying to get home!
But whatever, its all good, the night is young.
So we step into this bar, I've never been there before. Its called Aarebär, predominately blue lighting, older crowd, shit music, and fuck its pretty empty for a saturday night... The air is shockingly clean and smoke free, whats going on here? So we have a beer. Ben starts chatting with me about how hes going to totally bed this broad next to him, and he tells me in a mix of english and german, and at this point in the night I rarely understand what he is saying. So I tell him flat out, in french because it is his mother language. 'Yo Ben' I say, 'Je pence le femme est une prostitute, mon ami'. He just laughs, 'Not with me, Jeremy! I fuck all!' (this is his catchphrase, he says it alot.... 'Tonight, Jeremy, we fuck all!' is usually what he says before we go clubbing.)
Ok so now we're nursing our expensive, 9.00 franc beers, and wondering where the hell this hooker got off to, and shes been in the friggin can for 20 mins. I'm getting bored so I try telling Ben that I'm leaving again. 'No no no, Jeremy' he says 'We go downstairs to club, then, we leave together.' ---- Downstairs? I look to the stairs, theres a TOILET sign. Hm. I must have misheard him. So he says, 'Ok, now, we go. We go to the club.' Hmm. We're walking to the stairs marked bathroom. Fuck Ben if you all-of-a-sudden turn gay right now, I'm going to smoke you in the face with my boot, but of course youre a muay-thai blackbelt, so I guess I would have to get the shit kicked out of me before taken advantage of.... Fuck man I just want to go home, I work at 11.30!
So we walk down the stairs, and go into a door marked Private. ---- Well I'll be damned, its a secret fucking strip club! THERES all the people! THERES all the smokey air! And shit look! Strippers! So all was right in the land of Jeremy again, paranoia, kaput, and Ben buys us a round. After around 15 mins, these two blonde eastern european bombshells walk up to us and start chatting, fuck am I attractive or what, I didnt even look at them! Then I say something like, yeah you know I like Switzerland, its ok but maybe not as good as London... She laughs a fake laugh and starts rubbing my chest... Ahhh shes a hooker too! Ben is totally digging his blonde, but I'm in no mood to cheat on my girl tonight, so I try to ignore her...
Now let me tell you a bit of background... When you go into a strip-club in Canada, its good, its fun, the girls are there by choice and half of them are people you know and are just paying for their student loans in a very extroverted fashion. No problems. But when you're in europe, all day on the news, in commercials, its telling about all the women forcibly sold into the sex industry from eastern europe and the middle east, white-slavery which is so very affluent in Europe of course, and just generally depressing things. So here I am, in Switzerland, one of the capitals for this such trade (London, Amsterdam are others), sitting next to a chick with an Eastern European accent who looks like shes trying really hard to earn her money. So I try small talk, the conversation went like this...
(Girl) 'So sexy do you like me?'
(The dude) 'Uhh yeah, you're alright... So um, how long have you been in Switzerland?'
'Hmm, uhh, 7 monat (months)?'
'And do you like it here? Where are you from originally?'
'I am from Ukraine, yes Switzerland, it good. Where are you from?'
'Canada. Yeah I'm pretty rare, ha-ha (I say this to every girl who asks me where I'm from, fuck I'm pathetic)'
'Ohh Canada, do you have working permits'
'Yeah, yeah I do, I'm a bartender. Do you have a working permit, how did you get here?'
'Errr ehh, hmm...' She makes the little zipper motion over her lips and laughs nervously. Great Jerebear youve got a real catch here.
She says, 'So do you want company?'
'Ah well no, Ich haben ein freundin...'
'Well, if we want to talk, I need to ask you to buy me a drink, its my job.'
'Yeah alright, what do you want, Beer?'
'No, no, Champagne. See, champagne is 25.00 a glass, 100.00 a bottle.'
'Uhhh, thats pretty expensive.'
'Noo, its just 25.00 a glass!'
'You dont want a beer or, redbull or something?'
'No just champagne.'
Hmm.... 'Do you only drink champagne?' I ask.
'Yes just champagne.'
And at that, we bid farewell... You know guys, she might have been a slightly worn, slightly rude, pushy, slutty, possibly enslaved slavic prostitute, but I will remember her always.
Then I look at the drink menu... Fuck 25.00 for a champagne... 18.00 for a half pint of beer...? 16.00 for a coke?! Dude what the fuck is going on here?! I try to warn Ben, but he is busy feeling up his blonde. SHE is busy trying to explain to him that he cant squeeze her breasts or her ass, and trying unsuccessfully I may add. Ben looks to me, with that huge dopey Ben grin, he looks on top of the world. I look at the bar in front of them... Shiet. Ben has bought the chick 2 glasses of champagne already, and between tushey squeezes she is trying to convince him to buy another. He does. He tries and tries to get her to leave with him, and for a 36 year old pervert he seems really ignorant to the stripper-customer relationship. After a bit more of Ben and her chatting, she leaves to pole-dance. 'Ben...' I say, 'I really really got to leave... Its 3, I work at 11.30, dude I need to go chat with my buds online and pass out!' Ben gives a sad nod, I think he too realizes its time to leave.
We gather our things, and pay the bill. Ben is dumbstruck, its almost 150 bucks. He doesnt seem upset about it though, he did what he came to do.
Then BAM, two asian girls creep up behind us and start feeling our asses and asking us if we want company, I'll be damned if they werent twice as hardworking as the eastern european girls! You know I bet theres got to be some sort of bad blood between those two factions. I've got no patience for talking to this broad, so I say, 'Im not interested, Ive got no money and a girlfriend, sorry.' She says, 'Gay?' VERDAMMT! 'No, I have a girlfriend.' She laughs 'Gay!' and walks off.
That... that fucking bitch! That fucking asian bitch! Go back to a 1980s blackmarket Hong Kong film, you goddamn stereotype! Schlampe!
I look to Ben, hes not going anywhere, hes totally immersed with this asian girl now. I say alright man, I need to go, I'm cereal. He understands and goes to shake my hand.... through the legs of this oriental woman. Ahahaha, Ben, du bist eine crasse mann... you know through it all I can never be pissed at this dude, hes harmless, just wants the ladies, through and through.
So I bounce, scoot home on my kickboard, and arrive at home, my body sweaty, and my mind feeling quite dirtied by the entire night.
So there it is. Now I need to go to work, I feel like shit, but whatevers.
Enough typing.
-The Jerebear
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