A Truly Dirty Night

Money spent - 10.00

I have this friend named Ben, he is from Tunisia. He's a cool dude, black belt in muay thai, professional salsa dancer, good heart, its all good. But man, this guy thinks with his dick so much its ridickulous - last night for example.
I'll set the scene for you....
It was around 2 in the morning, and I've been trying to tell the guy for the last hour and a half that I need to scoot home, and who knows how he keeps convincing me to come with him. We walk out of Tournhäler (very cool club, made out of an old Gymnasium - top part is a bar, bottom part still has the gym floor and basketball nets and shit, locker rooms are made into the toilets, sweet), and theres this rotund, pretty un-pretty middle aged chick with her knockers practically hanging out of her shirt... MY first reaction was to think she was a prostitute, BENS first reaction, was to walk up and start hitting on her... 'Heeeey Habibi, you so beautiful!' he goes, and starts chatting with her, I just chill back and let him do his thing - he does this about 20 times a night at least. Anyhow, he starts sharing his beer with her (I make sure to drink mine real quick so the saliva doesnt pass my way) and the chick drops it. Ohhhh shes all sorry and oooooohhh she wants to pay us back, Ben goes, oh just buy us a round at this other bar. Scheisse Ben I'm trying to get home!
But whatever, its all good, the night is young.
So we step into this bar, I've never been there before. Its called Aarebär, predominately blue lighting, older crowd, shit music, and fuck its pretty empty for a saturday night... The air is shockingly clean and smoke free, whats going on here? So we have a beer. Ben starts chatting with me about how hes going to totally bed this broad next to him, and he tells me in a mix of english and german, and at this point in the night I rarely understand what he is saying. So I tell him flat out, in french because it is his mother language. 'Yo Ben' I say, 'Je pence le femme est une prostitute, mon ami'. He just laughs, 'Not with me, Jeremy! I fuck all!' (this is his catchphrase, he says it alot.... 'Tonight, Jeremy, we fuck all!' is usually what he says before we go clubbing.)
Ok so now we're nursing our expensive, 9.00 franc beers, and wondering where the hell this hooker got off to, and shes been in the friggin can for 20 mins. I'm getting bored so I try telling Ben that I'm leaving again. 'No no no, Jeremy' he says 'We go downstairs to club, then, we leave together.' ---- Downstairs? I look to the stairs, theres a TOILET sign. Hm. I must have misheard him. So he says, 'Ok, now, we go. We go to the club.' Hmm. We're walking to the stairs marked bathroom. Fuck Ben if you all-of-a-sudden turn gay right now, I'm going to smoke you in the face with my boot, but of course youre a muay-thai blackbelt, so I guess I would have to get the shit kicked out of me before taken advantage of.... Fuck man I just want to go home, I work at 11.30!
So we walk down the stairs, and go into a door marked Private. ---- Well I'll be damned, its a secret fucking strip club! THERES all the people! THERES all the smokey air! And shit look! Strippers! So all was right in the land of Jeremy again, paranoia, kaput, and Ben buys us a round. After around 15 mins, these two blonde eastern european bombshells walk up to us and start chatting, fuck am I attractive or what, I didnt even look at them! Then I say something like, yeah you know I like Switzerland, its ok but maybe not as good as London... She laughs a fake laugh and starts rubbing my chest... Ahhh shes a hooker too! Ben is totally digging his blonde, but I'm in no mood to cheat on my girl tonight, so I try to ignore her...

Now let me tell you a bit of background... When you go into a strip-club in Canada, its good, its fun, the girls are there by choice and half of them are people you know and are just paying for their student loans in a very extroverted fashion. No problems. But when you're in europe, all day on the news, in commercials, its telling about all the women forcibly sold into the sex industry from eastern europe and the middle east, white-slavery which is so very affluent in Europe of course, and just generally depressing things. So here I am, in Switzerland, one of the capitals for this such trade (London, Amsterdam are others), sitting next to a chick with an Eastern European accent who looks like shes trying really hard to earn her money. So I try small talk, the conversation went like this...

(Girl) 'So sexy do you like me?'
(The dude) 'Uhh yeah, you're alright... So um, how long have you been in Switzerland?'
'Hmm, uhh, 7 monat (months)?'
'And do you like it here? Where are you from originally?'
'I am from Ukraine, yes Switzerland, it good. Where are you from?'
'Canada. Yeah I'm pretty rare, ha-ha (I say this to every girl who asks me where I'm from, fuck I'm pathetic)'
'Ohh Canada, do you have working permits'
'Yeah, yeah I do, I'm a bartender. Do you have a working permit, how did you get here?'
'Errr ehh, hmm...' She makes the little zipper motion over her lips and laughs nervously. Great Jerebear youve got a real catch here.
She says, 'So do you want company?'
'Ah well no, Ich haben ein freundin...'
'Well, if we want to talk, I need to ask you to buy me a drink, its my job.'
'Yeah alright, what do you want, Beer?'
'No, no, Champagne. See, champagne is 25.00 a glass, 100.00 a bottle.'
'Uhhh, thats pretty expensive.'
'Noo, its just 25.00 a glass!'
'You dont want a beer or, redbull or something?'
'No just champagne.'
Hmm.... 'Do you only drink champagne?' I ask.
'Yes just champagne.'

And at that, we bid farewell... You know guys, she might have been a slightly worn, slightly rude, pushy, slutty, possibly enslaved slavic prostitute, but I will remember her always.
Then I look at the drink menu... Fuck 25.00 for a champagne... 18.00 for a half pint of beer...? 16.00 for a coke?! Dude what the fuck is going on here?! I try to warn Ben, but he is busy feeling up his blonde. SHE is busy trying to explain to him that he cant squeeze her breasts or her ass, and trying unsuccessfully I may add. Ben looks to me, with that huge dopey Ben grin, he looks on top of the world. I look at the bar in front of them... Shiet. Ben has bought the chick 2 glasses of champagne already, and between tushey squeezes she is trying to convince him to buy another. He does. He tries and tries to get her to leave with him, and for a 36 year old pervert he seems really ignorant to the stripper-customer relationship. After a bit more of Ben and her chatting, she leaves to pole-dance. 'Ben...' I say, 'I really really got to leave... Its 3, I work at 11.30, dude I need to go chat with my buds online and pass out!' Ben gives a sad nod, I think he too realizes its time to leave.
We gather our things, and pay the bill. Ben is dumbstruck, its almost 150 bucks. He doesnt seem upset about it though, he did what he came to do.
Then BAM, two asian girls creep up behind us and start feeling our asses and asking us if we want company, I'll be damned if they werent twice as hardworking as the eastern european girls! You know I bet theres got to be some sort of bad blood between those two factions. I've got no patience for talking to this broad, so I say, 'Im not interested, Ive got no money and a girlfriend, sorry.' She says, 'Gay?' VERDAMMT! 'No, I have a girlfriend.' She laughs 'Gay!' and walks off.
That... that fucking bitch! That fucking asian bitch! Go back to a 1980s blackmarket Hong Kong film, you goddamn stereotype! Schlampe!
I look to Ben, hes not going anywhere, hes totally immersed with this asian girl now. I say alright man, I need to go, I'm cereal. He understands and goes to shake my hand.... through the legs of this oriental woman. Ahahaha, Ben, du bist eine crasse mann... you know through it all I can never be pissed at this dude, hes harmless, just wants the ladies, through and through.
So I bounce, scoot home on my kickboard, and arrive at home, my body sweaty, and my mind feeling quite dirtied by the entire night.
So there it is. Now I need to go to work, I feel like shit, but whatevers.
Enough typing.

-The Jerebear